I work with them, eat with them, laugh with them and I hate over generalization and stereotyping so I won’t say that all of the west is ignorant or racist, but I will tell my story and how shocked I was when I learnt about them - throw them!!

The caller said” although the veil irritated some people..yet it was less than she thought it would be…” and this is exactly what I will be talking about- my veil. It, obviously, irritated more than just “some”- it irritated even children!! And for me- it was more than what I expected.  

I was dealing with a lady from the United States of America back in the university days and we were supposed to be going in a business trip to France- Paris. In this very year, France passed a low against the veil and wearing it. This lady approached me and said: “I can’t let you go- not with your veil on” and I said “I could care less. I don’t need to go to France” she was surprised by my decision as this would have been a life time opportunity for me on all scales. 4 months later I register my self in a (Germany and Switzerland) business trip. I thought “this should be fun” all my friends were going and I knew I will have a blast. The summer of 2004 held an eye opening experience for me, though, as I was introduced to Europe during this trip- business wise and culture wise as well.

When the plane took off from the airport in its way to Munich via Amsterdam a lot of the girls with us in the trip (we were 29 students) went to the toilet and took off their head covers and came out with jeans and sleeveless t-shirts. I don’t have a problem with that as long as it is not stamping us as being hypocrites- but it obviously did. The American lady (mentioned above) approached me and said “you wont’ be taking off your veil just like your girl friends did?” and I was like “no- this is not cosmetics or cultural- this is religion”.

We landed in Germany- Munich on the 26^th of May, 2006 at 9:25 a.m. and we all were exhausted. Our guide was insistent to take us to a museum first where we could see all the inventions of the world in one place. Okay, this is nice- but we can’t walk- we were on the air for 9 hours and we need to sleep. But- it sounded like we were talking to our selves. So we went to the museum. We spent there 4 hours- we spent most of the time setting on chairs and sleeping on each other’s shoulders!! We didn’t see a thing. While leaving the museum and walking back to the buss, we had to cross the street. I was walking with one of my male friends and that is when some school kids were crossing the street with us- they were about 7 to 8 years old kids. One of them looked at me and pointed his finger at me and screamed “Turk-Turk”. I stood there looking at him and I actually smiled. I looked at my friend who was in a complete state of shock and said “yalla- let’s go. We will miss the buss”. He smiled at me and we walked to the buss. This was in day #1 for me in Germany.

The second day four of us went to walk and sightsee the city. After several hours of wondering we walked into a café and we asked for hot chocolate- it was freaking cold back in these days. The waiter took the orders from my friends and actually ignored me. One of my friends called her back and told her that she forgot one of us- so she looked at me and then looked at him and asked him “what does she want now”. I thought to my self “okay- this is getting annoying now” she actually refrained from addressing me on the question. But- I decided to go on and enjoy the day.

In one of the field trips- as I mentioned earlier this was a business trip- we went to the Audi cars factory. We were introduced to the factory manager and we were allowed to walk around their car museum. It was amazing until I realized that one of the security guards was walking behind me and following me in every step I take. I looked around to check if they are doing this with all of us- you know we are young and we tend to be destructive sometimes and this is a factory and the Audi museum- but no, it was only me who was followed. One of my girl friends approached me and said “why is he following you- are you planning to steal a car :D” and I was like “I’m wearing a veil”.

We drove to Switzerland after sometime in Germany- and our first stop was Geneva and then Lucerne. Wonderful place- full of Arabs by the way. Everyone respects the “other”. I saw a lot of covered girls in there too. But- the street opinion is totally different than the political party opinion of the country and the picture that is available about us as being terrorists!!

I hold a wathee8a- refugees documentary- as we belong to the refugees of the year of 1948. When we were leaving Switzerland through Zurich airport- we came across the passport checking point. Our refugee passport should be well known to Swiss government- they have the UN- Geneva head court for heavens sake!! But no, when it was my turn to give my passport for the “routine” checking, the police woman looked at me suspiciously. She looked at the passport and at me around 10 times. “Is bad luck going to leave me alone in this trip at all?” I asked my self. The next thing I know is that I have two big bodyguards on my left and right and they are armed! She took the passport and went into a closed room. They opened a new window for the rest of the people behind me so that they don’t stop the passport checking procedure and to give themselves sometime to torture me. So- I was standing there for like 15 minutes and I don’t know what on earth is going on. After 30- 40 minutes the police woman returns and she gives me the passport and yells “NEXT”. The bodyguards leave me and no explanation given.

Can this be human treatment? I guess not. All because I wear a piece of cloth on my head!!! And they claim to be well educated about the world. Hell not.  

I can’t understand why would they be walking naked in the streets protesting against something and everyone should applause for the freedom of expression while we are chased all the time for an extra piece of cloth on our heads. Why would they have the right to stereotype us and criticize us while we can’t even look at them in a way the displease them. Why can’t they admit that people are different and different doesn’t necessarily mean dangerous and scary. We are back to the slavery era people and we can’t stop it from happening.

God be with us as what is coming is even worse.

Regards,

H. 

Breaking up is not a fun experience and it will never be. some times you wish if you can stop the time and reverse everything back- as a videotape- and start all over again just to avoid the mistakes which got you were you are right now- breaking up with your loved one!

You start thinking, losing sleep over it and even stop eating, or over eat for some people :) You start thinking "how will I get him/her back into my life". You are now dispirit and you may do just about anything to get them back to your life. When seeing your-self in this position STOP. Refrain from doing anything major- selling your house, buying expensive things for them, quitting your job, leaving town, taking a long vacation, buying a flower truck and stand under their balcony and sing "Hello". All of these acts will just be seen /interpreted as running away or begging, thus, stamping you with "coward" label or leading you to hate your self even more.

If you can't face your demons ignore them. Don't let your anger, depression, sadness, sorrow get the best of you. Always think positive and remind your self with your best qualities and acts- BUT- acts that aren't with your lover. Remembering your acts with your lover will bring you down even more. It is difficult- but it is like going into a new food regime- you have to make it a life style. We can never get used to anything unless we make a life style out of it.

Immortality my friends- eternity is created in a moment of love. You see the world in your lover's eyes and you lose it when they walk away. Be your own miracle- don't wait for someone to write your identity in this world. You write it in the forehead of the sun- in the ocean paper and on the wind voice. You are an independent, perfect and successful humanbeing. Believe it and you will see it.

Love,

H.

I arrive to work late- 10 a.m.- and I’m asking my self “why am I going to work in the first place? 10 a.m. what will my boss say to me now!!”

I leave the car- I’m running and hopplaaa- I fell down on the stairs in the middle of the street. A decent lady with her laptop on the shoulder, walking with decency and all- falling down the stairs and hurts her knee and back too. Ya la6eef. This was the end of my embarrassments for the day- or maybe not. I think I should be careful for the rest of the day- just in case.

In the office- I found out – as soon as I walked in- that one of the projects that I have been working on and actually submitted on March has serious problems in the user interface. My jaw dropped down and I – now – seriously thinking to call it a day and just go home.

Well- I hope that you all are having a better day than mine.

I dropped down on my knees and my eyes burst into tears; burning tears with no way to stop them from running like a ragging volcano. "I knew it"- I said to my self "but why couldn’t I avoid it".

I looked at my self in the mirror and saw the clear signs of the slap- the reality slap on my face! I was naïve; I thought I could stand a chance against the unknown. I was in a battle holding up my sword; my heavy and rough edged sword. But the blades of reality were faster than I; they found their way to my dream; cutting their way in and out through it. The walls of my dream were scarred - the carpets were smudged in red and the pictures I drew were torn apart. It was too late to save anything.

My candle was too tired now- asking me to go to sleep. I begged her to stay with me- to light my way. She was too kind to stay- not to mention she wasn’t convinced- but she did it any way. The change wind paid us an unexpected visit; It blew on both of us- sweeping away the curtains and finding its way viciously to my candle- my precious candle. The only flam was killed and my sword was down- I got my slap and I buried my dream.

It is heavy on my heart- and every breath brings a deeper sigh. I have to let you go- you are drowning me in my tears. I have to let you go- you are putting out my flam. I have to let you go- it hurts so much but I have to let you go.

I look to your eyes losing their shine, loosing life! What is life without you? They stole you from my veins, from my heart.

I’m empty now, I am hollow. I think that is what most people wanted for me to be eventually. I’m like a tree with no leafs, like the oceans with no water, like the sky with no clouds, like an infant with no innocence. I’m a human with no soul. 

Oh grey sky open your doors with tears- mourn thee today. Oh wind- sing your last song -honour the dieing flam of hope. Oh fighters- fight your last battle and drink the trophy of sorrow. Oh mighty waves of the ocean dance with pride and crash on the rocks of reality. Oh my pure dream- you can go now. I set you free, please set me free too.

Oh sun- crown my dream as it rises to you and light its way to heavens where it shall wait for eternity!! Oh my heart bleed for thee for it will never come back.

I turn my back and I walk towards the gates of the cemetery. My spirit calls me out and says” it was never meant to be- you were stock in a moment which was never meant to be!”

I’m sad. Today, I buried something that is so dear to my heart. Was it by personal choice? No, it wasn’t my choice at all. I am so utterly sad.

Rachel Fuller- a singer who I never heard of before- has a song called "Into my heart". This song spoke right to my heart- it is one of the most touching songs I've ever came across. I was tuning to Radio "sawa" when a piano playing caught attention. With this piano playing came a wonderful voice and an even more wonderful lyric. I normally would have to understand the words to love the song- but this time- I loved the theme before falling in love with the words. The story is about someone who is trying disparately to win the love of a man/woman- which seems impossible to do. Enjoy the lyric and try to listen to the song some time soon. I ended up buying the whole record : )  

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you don't hear me
so I holler
you don't see me
as I stand before you
you don't touch me
when I’m lying naked
but I won't forget you
'cuz I’ve carved your name

into my heart
and into my skin
but you won't let me in
into my head
the words that you said
but you won't let me in
(but you won't let me in)

you're not my leader
so why do I chase you
I don't need your approval
so why do I face you
I keep on hurting
but I can't erase you
and I dial your number
again and again

'cuz you're into my heart
and under my skin
but you won't let me in
into your head
where I have been [dead?]
but you won't let me in

into your heart
and under your skin
but you won't let me in
you're into my heart
and under my skin
but you won't let me in
into your heart
and under your skin
but you won't let me in

if you're not near me
I am hollow
you don't hear me
as I scream before you
you don't touch me
I am broken
but I can't forget you
your name's engraved

into my heart
and under my skin
but you won't let me in
into your heart
and under your skin
but you won't let me in
into my heart
and under my skin
but you won't let me in

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I do believe in this: If it doesn’t hurt when it's bad, then it wouldn't feel great when it's good... keep on dreaming- you will reach the stars.

I picked out my outfit and I planed for every move and every word- the topics that I want to talk about and the actions/ reactions that would happen.

In the back of my mind I always knew that something will eventually go wrong; a car accident, I get abducted by aliens, he goes in a sudden business trip...etc any thing. I always asked my self: why do I think badly about it- why can't I just be happy about it? Well - I think I'm used to disappointments.

On the pre-agreed on day and time, we met in the location and I was praying all the time that everything will work according to the original plan. We walked together towards the gates and lucky us- we were the first in line for the tickets- or that how it was at the moment. He approached the tickets window and the ticket man asked him: "which level are you at" "professional and beginner" he replied. "You are professional and she is beginner?" the tickets man asked and the reply was "I am professional and she never skied before" This is when the tickets man said: "no sir, sorry- she can't go in unless she takes a couple of lessons first". My eyes were widely open and I was shocked because we came this far and this can't be the stumbling block! But it was. I turned red- and I looked disappointed but I tried my best to cover my face features. I started to think fast of an alternative but my mind was jammed. He told me that I can take lessons and he will be with me in them- so I smiled and I nodded my head just to make things look fine. They weren't though! So he asked me if I would like to have a cup of coffee and my answer came faster than I thought- "Yes". Well- with him, anything is better than nothing at all. We went to a café and we talked for about 45 minutes. Some nice topics were discussed and I liked it. But yet- why do I feel bitter and disappointed? I don't think I felt this bad even when I failed a course in the university!!

Ah- what else can I do to make this work? I'm out of tricks and I'm so tired. I feel I'm cursed and I would like to find a way out of this loop.

May God help us all and show us the right way.